The Mystic Crystal is a song by Ninja Sex Party, set to appear on their upcoming eighth album, The Prophecy.


Oh yeah!

Long ago and far away

In labyrinths of coral caves

A mystic crystal was forged in glass

From magic or some shit like that

Its powers had been used for good

And all men lived in brotherhood

Until the necromancer came

Upon his steed of bones and flame

His prism eyes with evil gleamed

He stole the crystal then he screamed

"Now gods and men and all between

Shall blow my necromancing schween!"

The knights and nobles of the land

Did all they could to stay his hand

Yet not a single blow was struck

Alas! For he was strong as fuck

Oh yeah!

He grabbed the princess from her throne

And trapped her in the crystal stone

The king called in his wizards three

And begged them brokenheartedly

"Search the forests, search the seas

Search time and all realities

Two champions are what I need

To bring my daughter back to me"

"Yes, my king, it shall be done"

The wizard said and so begun

A wondrous spell that soon would find

The greatest men in space and time

And that's where our story begins

And Danny and Brian come in

There is no quest from which they'd flee

But right now they're in New Jersey

"Hey, Ninja Brian, is that a mystic space portal behind you? Oh shit!"

We woke up in a foreign land

Inside a castle oh so grand

And there atop a throne of gold

Arose the king so gross and old

"I've called you from the great beyond

To save my daughter hot and blonde

You've sailed across the sky and stars

The gods have brought you here unharmed"

"Actually, Your Majesty, you just sucked us through twenty six dimensions of space and time and I've gotta be completely honest with you

My arms are broken

And I don't know why my chest is smoking"

"I will heal you with my staff

I'm sure we'll look back on this and laugh

Now go! Ride toward the sun atop these noble steeds

You're our spandex heroes now, fulfil your destinies"

And so we turned and rode beyond the castle walls

With shining codpiece armor that doth cradled our chivalrous balls

The sky grew dark and the road was narrow

But I knew we'd never be led astray

Brian brought his magic arrows

They were blessed to light our righteous way

"Ahhhh! Brian, do you think you could please warn me before you're about to light our righteous way? Oh god! Alright! Fine! Whatever, man! Let's ride!"

The trees were twisted and the air was thick

Twas clear his domain was as evil as dick

We passed through the gloom of the Forest of Fear

Then the Pits of Disgust and the Dark Swamp of Tears

Then off in the distance so clear

The cold gray peak of Mt. Nasty appeared

Past the Fields of Annoyance and Dragon Barf Junction

And the treacherous Cliffs of Erectile Dysfunction

Now Brian has erectile dysfunction

Only Brian though (I know, it's weird)

We arrived at the evil one's hall

And dismounted our trusty steeds with resolve

We hugged them goodbye and promised we'd never quit

Then they ran straight away for they gave not a shit

Moonlight rose over the door

Lit all of the jewels and the skulls on the floor

We felt no terror as we entered the cave

Unless the bells of doom tolled we knew we'd be safe

We knew we'd be safe

We knew we'd be sa-

Aw, fuck

Colored gemstones lit up the wall

They formed a rainbow trail up to a giant waterfall

And there the necromancer grinned

The princess stood frozen yet still so hot beside him (Damn)

Then I heard a voice in my mind

Twas the princess, she said "Danny, your heart is kind Only light can stop dark!"

I knew what she spoke of

To defeat the necromancer I had to use love

"Stand back, Brian. I'm going to hug him!"

He immediately shattered both my legs and threw mew across the room

"I probably should have brought some weapons" I thought as I flew

Then Ninja Brian picked me up because he's a good friend

Then he used my body like a club to beat our enemy to death

I should have been in more pain than could ever be spoken

Luckily I felt nothing because my back was totes broken

Oh, the necromancer was dead and the crystal broke in three

I looked up into the light and saw the princess was now free

"Brian, she's so beautiful! Roll me to her!"

We journeyed gladly toward the king

His lands now green with the life of spring

He leapt up and wept at the sight

Of his girl as she carried me through the night

"Heal this man, wizards!" he cried with delight

Which they did, god damn! They keep their magic game tight

But sadly it was time to leave

So the king said "Fix Brian's E.D.

And hooray for Ninja Sex Party!"

"Look, Ninja Brian. The portal back home is opening."

Now fare thee well, it seems that our journey is at an end

We will be here if you should ever need our help again

We walked away but stopped and turned before we took our last step

Brian killed a guy real quick to make sure he maintained his rep

We all have our battles to fight

And a crystal cage to break through in our lives

But when hope is gone

We will be there to help you rock the fuck on

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