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"The Mystic Crystal" is the second track on Ninja Sex Party's eighth album, The Prophecy. Its music video was released on June 9th, 2021, and was animated by a team of numerous artists.

It is split into seven segments:

I. Overture

II. The Pleasure Orb

III. Danny's Soliloquy

IV. The Crossroads of Dragonbarf

V. At the Peak of Mt. Nasty

VI. Lovenut Meadows

VII. Huzzah!

Lyrics[]

Oh yeah!
Long ago and far away
In labyrinths of coral caves
A mystic crystal was forged in glass
From magic or some shit like that
Its powers had been used for good
And all men lived in brotherhood
Until the necromancer came
Upon his steed of bones and flame
His prism eyes with evil gleamed
He stole the crystal then he screamed
"Now gods and men and all between
Shall blow my necromancing schween!"
The knights and nobles of the land
Did all they could to stay his hand
Yet not a single blow was struck
Alas! For he was strong as fuck
Oh yeah!

He grabbed the princess from her throne
And trapped her in the crystal stone
The king called in his wizards three
And begged them brokenheartedly
"Search the forests, search the seas
Search time and all realities
Two champions are what I need
To bring my daughter back to me"
"Yes, my king, it shall be done"
The wizard said and so begun
A wondrous spell that soon would find
The greatest men in space and time
And that's where our story begins
And Danny and Brian come in
There is no quest from which they'd flee
But right now they're in New Jersey

"Hey, Ninja Brian, is that a mystic space portal behind you? Oh shit!"

We woke up in a foreign land
Inside a castle oh so grand
And there atop a throne of gold
Arose the king so gross and old
"I've called you from the great beyond
To save my daughter hot and blonde
You've sailed across the sky and stars
The gods have brought you here unharmed"

"Actually, Your Majesty, you just sucked us through twenty six dimensions of space and time and I've gotta be completely honest with you

My arms are broken
And I don't know why my chest is smoking"
"I will heal you with my staff
I'm sure we'll look back on this and laugh
Now go! Ride toward the sun atop these noble steeds
You're our spandex heroes now, fulfill your destinies"
And so we turned and rode beyond the castle walls
With shining codpiece armor that doth cradled our chivalrous balls

The sky grew dark and the road was narrow
But I knew we'd never be led astray
Brian brought his magic arrows
They were blessed to light our righteous way

"Ahhhh! Brian, do you think you could please warn me before you're about to light our righteous way? Oh god! Alright! Fine! Whatever, man! Let's ride!"

The trees were twisted and the air was thick
Twas clear his domain was as evil as dick
We passed through the gloom of the Forest of Fear
Then the Pits of Disgust and the Dark Swamp of Tears
Then off in the distance so clear
The cold gray peak of Mt. Nasty appeared
Past the Fields of Annoyance and Dragon Barf Junction
And the treacherous Cliffs of Erectile Dysfunction
Now Brian has erectile dysfunction
Only Brian though (I know, it's weird)

We arrived at the evil one's hall
And dismounted our trusty steeds with resolve
We hugged them goodbye and promised we'd never quit
Then they ran straight away for they gave not a shit
Moonlight rose over the door
Lit all of the jewels and the skulls on the floor
We felt no terror as we entered the cave
Unless the bells of doom tolled we knew we'd be safe
We knew we'd be safe
We knew we'd be sa-
Aw, fuck

Colored gemstones lit up the wall
They formed a rainbow trail up to a giant waterfall
And there the necromancer grinned
The princess stood frozen yet still so hot beside him (Damn)
Then I heard a voice in my mind
Twas the princess, she said "Danny, your heart is kind
Only light can stop dark!"
I knew what she spoke of
To defeat the necromancer I had to use love
"Stand back, Brian. I'm going to hug him!"

He immediately shattered both my legs and threw mew across the room
"I probably should have brought some weapons" I thought as I flew
Then Ninja Brian picked me up because he's a good friend
Then he used my body like a club to beat our enemy to death
I should have been in more pain than could ever be spoken
Luckily I felt nothing because my back was totes broken
Oh, the necromancer was dead and the crystal broke in three
I looked up into the light and saw the princess was now free
"Brian, she's so beautiful! Roll me to her!"

We journeyed gladly toward the king
His lands now green with the life of spring
He leapt up and wept at the sight
Of his girl as she carried me through the night
"Heal this man, wizards!" he cried with delight
Which they did, god damn! They keep their magic game tight
But sadly it was time to leave
So the king said "Fix Brian's E.D.
And hooray for Ninja Sex Party!"
"Look, Ninja Brian. The portal back home is opening."

Now fare thee well, it seems that our journey is at an end
We will be here if you should ever need our help again
We walked away but stopped and turned before we took our last step
Brian killed a guy real quick to make sure he maintained his rep
We all have our battles to fight
And a crystal cage to break through in our lives
But when hope is gone
We will be there to help you rock the fuck on

Music Video Credits[]

Cast[]

  • Dan Avidan as Danny Sexbang
  • Brian Wecht as Ninja Brian
  • Beatrice "The Ice Man" O'Neill as The Princess
  • Dave Brown as The King
  • Mark Fischbach as The Necromancer
  • Seán McLoughlin as The Roommate
  • Ross O'Donovan as Wizard
  • Jack Douglass as Wizard
  • Biniam Bizuneh as Wizard
  • Lloyd Ahlquist as Knight #1
  • Eric Radic as Knight #2
  • Zubin Anklesaria as Knight #3
  • Robby Guerrero as Knight #4
  • Jim Roach as Throne Room Guitarist
  • Maxi as Trumpeter
  • Sterling Morris as Villager
  • Sydney Dowling as Villager
  • Holgie Forrester as Villager
  • Jack Bornoff as Villager
  • Russell Becker as Villager

Production[]

  • Directed by: Sean Barrett
  • Written by: Dan Avidan, Brian Wecht & Jim Roach
  • Producer: Robin Spears
  • Executive Producer: Jamee Ranta
  • Director of Photography: Dillon Schneider
  • Production Designer: Traci Hays
  • Visual Effects: Sean Barrett
  • Editor: Kelly Lyon
  • Animation Team Producer: Patrick Stannard
  • Director: India Swift
  • Colour Designer: Michael Doig
  • Character Designers: Amanda Bell and India Swift
  • Story Artists: India Swift, Luke Weber, and Federico Etchegaray
  • Layout Artists: Marc Hendry & Michael Doig
  • Background Artists: Renee Violet and Michael Doig
  • Final Line Artists: Hardik Manktala, Kevin Ryan, Gemma Roberts, and India Swift
  • Animators: Hardik Manktala, Kevin Ryan, Gemma Roberts, Vir Prieto, India Swift, and Patrick Stannard
  • Lead Final Line Artist : Bryony Evans
  • Post Production Artist: Michael Doig

Personnel[]

Ninja Sex Party

TWRP

Production

  • Written by: Dan Avidan, Brian Wecht, and Jim Roach
  • Produced and Engineered by: Jim Roach
  • Assistant Engineering and Editing by: Jerik Centeno
  • Recorded at Sunset Sound and Santa Monica Recordings in Los Angeles, CA
  • Mixed by: Thom Flowers
  • Mastered by: Randy Merrill at Sterling Sound, NYC

External Lyrics[]

Watch "The Mystic Crystal - NSP" on YouTube

Danny SexbangNinja Brian
Dan AvidanBrian Wecht
Studio Albums Original Albums NSFWStrawberries and CreamAttitude CityCool PatrolThe Prophecy
Cover Albums Under the CoversUnder the Covers, Vol. IIUnder the Covers, Vol. III
Singles "Dinosaur Laser Fight" • "FYI I Wanna F Your A" • "Next to You" • "Unicorn Wizard" • "Party of Three" • "Dragon Slayer" • "Peppermint Creams" • "Attitude City" • "Why I Cry" • "Road Trip" • "Cool Patrol" • "Eating Food in the Shower" • "Danny Don't You Know" • "Orgy for One" • "Wondering Tonight"
Music Videos "I Just Want To (Dance)" • "The Decision" • "No Reason Boner" • "The Sacred Chalice" • "If We Were Gay" • "Sex Training" • "Objects of Desire" • "You Can Do Us!" • "Manticore" • "Dinosaur Laser Fight" • "FYI I Wanna F Your A" • "NSP Theme Song" • "Three Minutes of Ecstasy" • "Next to You" • "Unicorn Wizard" • "The Ultimate Sandwich" • "Let's Get This Terrible Party Started" • "Best Friends Forever!" • "Party of Three" • "Rhinoceratops vs. Superpuma" • "Dragon Slayer" • "Attitude City" • "Why I Cry" • "Peppermint Creams" • "The Last Unicorn" • "Everybody Shut Up" • "Road Trip" • "Cookies!" • "Take On Me" • "Everybody Wants to Rule the World" • "Samurai Abstinence Patrol" • "6969" • "Cool Patrol" • "Wish You Were Here" • "Eating Food in the Shower" • "Pour Some Sugar on Me" • "Rocket Man" • "Heat of the Moment" • "Orgy for One" • "Danny Don't You Know" • "Heart Boner" • "First Date" • "Africa" • "Release the Kraken" • "In Your Eyes" • "Courtship of the Mermaid" • "Mansion Party" • "We Built This City" • "Down Under" • "The Decision Part 2: Ten Years Later" • "I Don't Know What We're Talking About" • "Thunder & Lightning" • "Wondering Tonight" • "It's Bedtime" • "Welcome to My Parents' House" • "The Mystic Crystal"
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