The Mystic Crystal is a song by Ninja Sex Party. It is a standalone song not yet released on any album.
Long ago and far away
In labyrinths of coral caves
A mystic crystal was forged in glass
From magic or some shit like that
Its powers had been used for good
And all men lived in brotherhood
Until the necromancer came
Upon his steed of bones and flame
His prism eyes with evil gleamed
He stole the crystal then he screamed
"Now gods and men and all between
Shall blow my necromancing schween!"
The knights and nobles of the land
Did all they could to stay his hand
Yet not a single blow was struck
Alas! For he was strong as fuck
He grabbed the princess from her throne
And trapped her in the crystal stone
The king called in his wizards three
And begged them brokenheartedly
"Search the forests, search the seas
Search time and all realities
Two champions are what I need
To bring my daughter back to me"
"Yes, my king, it shall be done"
The wizard said and so begun
A wondrous spell that soon would find
The greatest men in space and time
And that's where our story begins
And Danny and Brian come in
There is no quest from which they'd flee
But right now they're in New Jersey
"Hey, Ninja Brian, is that a mystic space portal behind you? Oh shit!"
We woke up in a foreign land
Inside a castle oh so grand
And there atop a throne of gold
Arose the king so gross and old
"I've called you from the great beyond
To save my daughter hot and blonde
You've sailed across the sky and stars
The gods have brought you here unharmed"
"Actually, Your Majesty, you just sucked us through twenty six dimensions of space and time and I've gotta be completely honest with you
My arms are broken
And I don't know why my chest is smoking"
"I will heal you with my staff
I'm sure we'll look back on this and laugh
Now go! Ride toward the sun atop these noble steeds
You're our spandex heroes now, fulfil your destinies"
And so we turned and rode beyond the castle walls
With shining codpiece armor that doth cradled our chivalrous balls
The sky grew dark and the road was narrow
But I knew we'd never be led astray
Brian brought his magic arrows
They were blessed to light our righteous way
"Ahhhh! Brian, do you think you could please warn me before you're about to light our righteous way? Oh god! Alright! Fine! Whatever, man! Let's ride!"
The trees were twisted and the air was thick
Twas clear his domain was as evil as dick
We passed through the gloom of the Forest of Fear
Then the Pits of Disgust and the Dark Swamp of Tears
Then off in the distance so clear
The cold gray peak of Mt. Nasty appeared
Past the Fields of Annoyance and Dragon Barf Junction
And the treacherous Cliffs of Erectile Dysfunction
Now Brian has erectile dysfunction
Only Brian though (I know, it's weird)
We arrived at the evil one's hall
And dismounted our trusty steeds with resolve
We hugged them goodbye and promised we'd never quit
Then they ran straight away for they gave not a shit
Moonlight rose over the door
Lit all of the jewels and the skulls on the floor
We felt no terror as we entered the cave
Unless the bells of doom tolled we knew we'd be safe
We knew we'd be safe
We knew we'd be sa-
Colored gemstones lit up the wall
They formed a rainbow trail up to a giant waterfall
And there the necromancer grinned
The princess stood frozen yet still so hot beside him (Damn)
Then I heard a voice in my mind
Twas the princess, she said "Danny, your heart is kind Only light can stop dark!"
I knew what she spoke of
To defeat the necromancer I had to use love
"Stand back, Brian. I'm going to hug him!"
He immediately shattered both my legs and threw mew across the room
"I probably should have brought some weapons" I thought as I flew
Then Ninja Brian picked me up because he's a good friend
Then he used my body like a club to beat our enemy to death
I should have been in more pain than could ever be spoken
Luckily I felt nothing because my back was totes broken
Oh, the necromancer was dead and the crystal broke in three
I looked up into the light and saw the princess was now free
"Brian, she's so beautiful! Roll me to her!"
We journeyed gladly toward the king
His lands now green with the life of spring
He leapt up and wept at the sight
Of his girl as she carried me through the night
"Heal this man, wizards!" he cried with delight
Which they did, god damn! They keep their magic game tight
But sadly it was time to leave
So the king said "Fix Brian's E.D.
And hooray for Ninja Sex Party!"
"Look, Ninja Brian. The portal back home is opening."
Now fare thee well, it seems that our journey is at an end
We will be here if you should ever need our help again
We walked away but stopped and turned before we took our last step
Brian killed a guy real quick to make sure he maintained his rep
We all have our battles to fight
And a crystal cage to break through in our lives
But when hope is gone
We will be there to help you rock the fuck on