The Sacred Chalice, also listed as The Sacred Chalice, Pt. 1, is the seventh track on Ninja Sex Party's second album, Strawberries and Cream. It is a 4-part epic adventure song, although only the first part is available on the album.
I had a really good time today, Krisstin. Thanks for walking me to my door.
You live here?!
Yeah, it's quaint, but it's home.
Come on in.
Your place looks a lot bigger from outside.
Yeah, well, you know. Angles. Let me show you around.
Those are my Little League trophies. That's my Alf lunchbox. That behind you is Ninja Brian.
Gasp Oh, h-hi! What is that?
Oh, this old thing? I'm surprised you noticed it. This is the Sacred Chalice of Ragaloch. Y'know, Ninja Brian and I quested for many a moon in search of this precious artefact. The ancient council of elders says that he who wields the chalice shall have everlasting awesomeness.
How do you wield a chalice?
Enough questions! All shall be revealed to you...in time. And the time is now!
The legends say the chalice lies in the Mountain of a Thousand Nights
And he who wields it will become crazy awesome (Crazy awesome)
And all my life I wondered what awesomeness was really like
So I assembled the greatest warriors of our time
It was me and Ninja Brian and a robot and an elf and a hooker that I hired
Uh, actually, there wasn't a hooker. I, uh, just remembered.
That was another robot
On a quest for destiny and greatness
And maybe some bagels cause it was gonna be a long trip
We will follow the guiding light of the North Star
Onto the adventure of our lives, never stopping
Except maybe for a bagel (with cream cheese, cream cheese, cream cheese, cream cheese)
We travelled miles by winter's light, fought a dragon and a mountain lion
We don't have any footage, but that shit totally happened (Dramatisation)
Then one day, we arrived at the Drawbridge of Medieval Times
It sounded scary, but the guard seemed really nice
And with his help we'll follow the guiding light of the North Star
In whatever direction it points (North)
We'll always fight to be awesome
As awesome as Part 2
Part 2 coming soon
In the last episode of The Sacred Chalice - A Quest, Part 1:
"This is the Sacred Chalice of Ragaloch."
And now Part 2!
-the guard seemed really nice
And with his help we'll follow the guiding light-
Shut the fuck up! Why do you come to the Drawbridge of Medieval Times?
We seek the Sacred Chalice.
Ah! So it's awesomeness you seek. Well, that's something that must be earned. In order to cross my bridge, you must pass a deadly challenge! Are you ready?
Oh my god! Let's absolutely do this.
In order to cross my bridge, you must...eat an entire sandwich!
That's impossible... We already filled up on bagels.
I know, your robot friend has cream cheese all over his face.
Bastard... Alright. We'll play your game.
Danny, I'm scared.
Do not worry, my sweet elven friend, for we need only to remain calm and we will survive this.
You have to eat the crusts too.
Oh god, they're dead! That was so much worse than I thought it would be! That poor hooke- robot.
Haha! Your friends were not rad enough to survive the challenge. Finding the chalice is the only way to save them now.
Gaaaaaaaah! Ninja Brian, contain your rage. That robot is dead enough. Alright, we will quest for the chalice. Where shall we find it?
Hnn! You must travel to the Mountain of a Thousand Nights where you will face many obstacles and tribulations. Once you get there, you must defeat the barbarian who defends its entrance. But I warn you, you cannot defeat him with brute strength. You must find...another way.
Aw, thank you, that;s very specific and helpful, you bi-
Shadows lie across our hearts as we walk another hundred miles
It's only the first day and three fifths of our party have died (Not a good average)
Then we saw the waterfall where the stallion of Satan resides
We would have to save him if we wanted to save our lives
Because we must follow the guiding light of the North Star
Even though it screwed us over a bunch of times
What's your problem?
Go fuck yourself, Star (He didn't mean that)
In the last episode of The Sacred Chalice - A Quest, Part 2:
And now Part 3!
There he is Ninja Brian. Hellfire Ragnarok, the stallion of Satan. We're going to have to tame him if we want to cross his waterfall. But there are those who say that taming Hellfire Ragnarok is as difficult as eating an entire sandwich. Ragnarok! You have terrorised this land for long enough! My name is Danny Sexbang and I am your master from this day forward!
Ninja Brian, he's charging!
Submit to me, you godless hell-beast!
It is done. Come, Ninja Brian. Let us quest onward to the Mountain of a Thousand Nights!
Move your nuts out of the way, barbarian! We've come for the chalice!
I'm pretty sure he can be reasoned with. Urgh! Ow. What's that, Ninja Brian? Oh, right. The Bridge Keeper said we cannot defeat the barbarian with brute strength alone. Thanks for reminding me of that just in time. Well, this warrior may be too strong for us, but he doesn't know that we're masters of disguise.
~ONE MINUTE LATER~
Alright, here goes nothing. Whistling Ugh! He didn't buy it, Ninja Brian! Our only hope is to use beauty. You must write the most beautiful haiku ever. Go!
"Puppies and kitties
Making love in the warm sunshine
So sweet yet so hot"
Nice haiku, Ninja Brian. That middle line had 8 syllables. Dick. Okay, you're forgiven this one time. Good. Now find us a way into this mountain.
Ninja Brian plays the piccolo
A bear appears, speaking in strange sounds
Ninja Brian, you've used your piccolo to call our forest friend, Beary Manilow. Hello, Beary.
I'm sorry we don't have any fresh fish for you today.
But we need to find a way into this mountain. Perhaps you could use your tracking skills- Thank you, my animal brother. You've made the forest gods proud this day. Up top!
We made our way inside the cave that the bear mashed in the mountainside
We found the Alter of Sweetness and atop it lay our prize (Oh shit, the chalice)
We fought through trials and risked our lives just for this one moment to arrive
It was emotional and tears sprang to our eyes
Ninja Brian, are you crying?
Good. Me neither. Aaaahahaha! There she is, Ninja Brian. The gorgeous lady angel protector keeper guardian of the chalice. Excuse me... Excuse me... Sorry, excuse me...
They took the chalice from her hands and awesomeness was theirs
Now Danny can finally shave and cut that stupid hair
Then their friends came back to life, they even healed the bear
And no girl could resist the need to throw her underwear
Because we followed the guiding light of the North Star
The bond we share is indestructible and tight
Just like my pants
And now my heart is filled with the wondrous sight of angel blessings
Our quest was over and we had all survived
Because friendship and love will always triumph!
Wow, Danny, that was really amazing.
I know. Oh, shit! It's not what you think. Lots of medieval chalices are plastic.
What's this? "Hot to Get Blowjobs by Lying About Ancient Artefacts?"
That one admittedly is going to be more difficult to explain.
Ninja Brian, is the whole story about the chalice made up?
Really, Danny? Really?
This is not the best time to ask, but could you tell me
Just what is the chance of that blowjob, 1 to 10?
Give me a number
If it's 1 then I'll put my pants back on
Krisstin, wait! She's gone, Ninja Brian. She's really gone...
Excuse me, sir. Is there a reason you're dressed like that, sir?
...Ninja Brian, smoke bomb!
Faulty smoke bomb
Plan B! They flee
...Where the fuck'd they go?